Birds and the Bees
by Joey the Freaking Potterhead
Summary: Girls caused Harry nothing but trouble, now was the time when he'd realized just how bad things can get; especially awkward, as he, James and Lily find out...
1. The first reaction

_Harry and Luna had been together for a week or so, when something happened between the two of them that might have just changed their lives forever- Harry had_

_impregnated her; it was just a lucky thing that the results came back negative; otherwise trouble would have struck; the main worry he had now though was he'd told _

_his father, and now he had to face his mother to tell her the news; he knew he'd be in a lot of trouble, however he also knew that part of it wasn't entirely his fault. He _

_trudged home after yet another evening spent with Luna; the two were careful this time not to make the same mistake they'd made a bit over a month before. He _

_walked through the door; Lily hadn't yet come home, so it was only Harry and James in the house; Harry sat in the lounge room, his heart pounded through his chest; _

_James wasn't entirely angry being a lady's man himself back in his day; he knew how Harry felt; although he wasn't too pleased; he knew how Lily was going to react _

_to this. Not long after the door opened and Lily walked in._

"Hey guys." Lily chirped.

"Hello mum." said Harry flatly. He swallowed hard as James entered the living room.

"Hey dad." Harry smiled weakly.

"Hi." Said James unenthusiastically; he sat down in front of Harry on one of the sofas and motioned for Lily to do the same.

_Harry felt a sudden rush of guilt flood his panic out, he stared down at his feet as he thought over what to say. Lily looked at him; she could see something was on his _

_mind,_ "Harry, what's happened?" she asked, with an edge of worry to her voice.

Harry looked up at her, "I-I messed up... badly." he said guiltily.

_Lily didn't say anything for a while as she studied her son, apparently trying to figure out what had actually happened_, "... how badly?" she finally asked.

Harry sighed, "Pretty bad... a lot."

_James couldn't say anything; he frowned unknowing what to do or think; they'd already had the talk and Harry knew his father wasn't mad but how would Lily take _

_this? She was just in the shock stage right now... or the worried stage; he couldn't tell. Perhaps it was a bit of both._

Lily sighed, "What exactly did you do?" it was now that Harry _had _to tell her; he hoped she didn't freak- she took it well so far...

Harry looked up at her, guilt ran through him, "I-I nearly got Luna... pregnant." he said, his heart gave a painful lurch; he could tell this wasn't going to be pretty.

"WHAT? HOW?" Lily shrieked. "WHY?" her eyes wide, Harry couldn't tell if she was shocked or angry.

Harry didn't know how to tell her; he felt it best to just stick with what happened, "_and _she was or is still in love with George..." he looked at Lily's expression and felt

he _needed _to explain. "She wanted me to help her with her homework and we talked... she told me she didn't love George... she loved me... and she kissed me... and

then it just... went too far." Once he'd finished he looked to James who'd closed his eyes, whether it was because he didn't know what to say or it was a bad image for

him; Harry just didn't know. He sighed, "I-I don't even know how it happened... it just did..." his voice cracked as he held tears; he was confused to what happened;

he'd never felt so alone. Guilt overtook him as Lily facepalmed; her reaction didn't help ease his guilt; only made it worse.

"She took the test... just luckily they came back negative but I still messed up..." he said, just trying to defuse the tension.

Lily looked as though she were about to snap, "Harry, you _blithering idiot_!" Harry now knew she wasn't happy but she wasn't angry either.

Harry looked at her, "I know... I'm sorry mum."

Lily walked out of the room for a while, James muttered, "told you she'd react like this."

Harry nodded and muttered back, "I know... I was expecting it."

James took his wand out and looked at Harry. "Just in case Lily tries to hex your parts off." he winked.

Harry sniggered, realized it could possibly happen and gulped, "I hope you're quick with that, dad."

James rolled his eyes, "Harry... you're mum and I have duelled before; I've got quick reflexes."


	2. Awkward Turtle Soup

Harry grinned, "I know dad. I'm just making sure; plus if she's angry; she might have quicker reflexes." he shut

up quickly as Lily entered the room. Apparently she'd heard what had been said as she shot James a glare of

disapproval. Harry stifled a laugh, however his serious side returned as the guilt crept its way back into his heart

"Harry... how could you be such a-" she said, however cut herself short.

"Well I don't even know how it happened." Harry replied. James looked at him and Harry continued, "I mean...

one minute we were talking about George; how she doesn't love him as much as she loves me and is only with

him so he wouldn't kill himself... so she said anyway and the next, she snogged me... and the next..." he paused

as his voice slowly quietened. "She took my shirt off..." he looked down at his feet as he said this; shame had set in.

"I don't think your mum wants all the details, mate." James said weakly; Harry could tell he'd somewhat

disturbed him.

Harry somewhat grinned, "sorry dad." he said quietly. He and Lily both shut their eyes; Lily through her frustration and

Harry because he didn't want to cry in front of his parents; he continued to hold his tears.

Lily sighed, "am I really _that _much of a useless mother?"

Harry smiled grimly, "No... You're not, mum... I'm just an idiot."

"Lily, _please _don't start that again." James said; he knew what was coming.

"I've ruined everything..." Harry muttered; he too knew what Lily were about to start.

Lily looked at Harry, "... then explain to me this." she snapped, "which part of your life I tell you to have sex

with random people?"

Harry sighed, "You didn't tell me to have sex with random people. _Ever_. It just... happened; I was caught off-

guard and I love Luna... a lot." he frowned, "I wasn't ready for it... but I felt helpless in a way; I know I should

have backed out or... something." Times like now he wished Hermione still had the time turner; it would be

useful for times like this.

_James didn't say anything; he just sat there quietly, looking at Harry. Lily on the other hand, buried her head in _

_her hands. Harry looked at James (who'd wrapped an arm around Lily) with tears in his eyes, feeling helpless, _

_Harry gazed at the floor as though he expected it to move or something. _

Lily sighed again and lifted her head to look at Harry, "what did Luna say?"

_This was where Harry really wished he could have gone back in time; the conversation had already been_

_awkward enough without **this**._

He fell silent for a moment as he wracked his mind on how to word it; after a moment said, "she wanted more...

she couldn't get enough of me and it's awkward because she's with George; I told her she can't have me

because of him but she didn't listen... or care..." he paused to look at his mum and dad; dread had made its home

in the pit of his stomach. "Now she's completely in love with me and wanted to have a kid... she said she

wanted to have one because she might not be able to be with me even though I told her we'd see what happens

with her and George and well... yeah..." he finished, his face flushed; one thing he didn't expect or want to be

talking about was this.

James looked at Harry, slight confusion on his face, "you didn't tell me that..." he said.

"I know, dad." Harry said as he looked back to the floor again. "I didn't know what you'd say." he mumbled.

He continued to gaze at the floor, "why do girls have to either leave me or get me into shit..." he thought.

Lily stood to her feet and paced the room, "for Heaven's sake..." she sighed.

Harry watched her, "I'm sorry mum."

"Harry..." she paused. "I swear when your dad and I were your age..." she paused again. "Well I didn't even

think of... with him." She said, Harry couldn't help but slip James a grin.

"I didn't even think of it either, mum!" Harry said, somewhat hurt that she'd thought he was thinking like this,

"_Luna _was the one to think of it. It just... happened." The tears he held were slowly slipping more into his eyes

as he welled up and let out a small sob.

Lily sighed again, "You know... just do what you want Harry... seriously, I understand... I fail as a mother." she

Snapped, mainly because she felt entirely disheartened.

"You don't fail, mum! At all- I-I wasn't prepared for what happened with Luna; I really tried to back out; I

just... couldn't." Harry said, he felt horrible he'd caused his own mother to feel this way.

"It _was _supposed to be my job to make sure you were prepared..." she said, Harry could hear the hurt in her

voice.

"You weren't to know this would happen so soon, mum." Harry said, in attempt to calm her down. "Really, in the situation I was in... it was _that _sudden of a change... it

just... it shocked Me." he added.

Finally James apparently found words to say to Lily, "Lily, you haven't failed as a mum." he looked down and

muttered to himself, "probably not a good idea to mention what I got up to at school..."

Harry heard James' mutters and nodded in agreement, "You haven't failed, mum. Really." he said to

Lily in hope she'll finally be convinced.


	3. Debate Before Lecture

Lily looked at Harry, the only thought she had in mind was going to be awkward but she felt it needed to be done. "Well... I think I can trust your father to lecture you

on... Protection." she said, Harry swore she'd given James an evil stare.

James coughed, "What?" he whispered to Lily, who facepalmed; while Harry slightly shifted awkwardly in his seat.

Harry shot James a glare, "Come on dad! Tell me! How could I have used protection... she didn't even give me time to put a condom on!" Harry's voice rose

unintentionally.

James coughed again and shot Lily a "thank you very much" glare. He looked to Harry and shifted in his seat slightly, "you could... err... always use the spell..." he

suggested.

"I am _not_ going to lecture him on condoms, James!" Lily snapped, Harry wondered how the two hadn't burst out laughing yet.

James looked at her, "are you sure you don't want to?" he said seriously.

Lily glared at him.

"I told her to use a spell; I really did but she just... wouldn't give me a chance." Harry retorted.

James looked at him, "well erm... probably should use the spell on _you, _mate."

Lily walked away awkwardly.

"I could have but I couldn't think straight; she was all over me..."

James noticed Lily had walked away and yelled, "Lily Potter! Get back here!"

Harry couldn't help but snigger as he heard her in the kitchen making turtle soup. She called back to James after a long pause, "I'm busy!"

Harry's patience was draining, "Mum... I need you to teach me about condoms!" he yelled.

James sniggered, "you're right... you are busy... getting your butt back here to explain how to use protection to your son!" he called.

Lily called back, "it's _your _job, James!"

"I, on the other hand need to... check on the twins!" James said enthusiastically and marched off to the nursery.

"Unless you want to teach Julie about periods..." Lily said sternly as she appeared from the kitchen.

James stopped in his tracks, halfway to the nursery. "On second thought; the twins are fine." he said and sat back down.

Harry looked at Lily, "thanks mum!" he said happily.

"Anytime!" Lily said, as she drew a whiff of the air; she could smell the turtle soup burning and walked back to the kitchen.

James folded his arms and looked at Harry, "I have a simple solution."

Harry looked at him confused, "and what would_ that _be dad, USE A TENT?"

"No... Cut it off." said James, simply.

"No dad..." Harry smiled sarcastically."

James shrugged. "Or... don't have sex."

Harry still thought about what James had previously said, looked at him, "I need to pee with _something_." Harry said.

Lily burst out laughing from the kitchen. James looked as though he were about to laugh.

"I wouldn't have but she didn't let me do anything." Harry's seriousness completely died as he too began to laugh.

"I'll be back in a minute Harry." said James.

"Okay dad."

_James walked into the kitchen and casted Muffilato on the doorway so Harry couldn't hear a word they said._

James looked at Lily, "Lily?"

"Yeah?"

"How did this discussion turn into me giving him the protection talk?" he asked and folded his arms.

Lily looked at him, "you're his dad... it's your job." she said casually.

"I thought we were going to get mad at him? Instead you're punishing _me_!" James said, using dramatic hand gestures. "I don't want to talk about that stuff with him."

he added and pulled a face.

"I'm not punishing you!" Lily said. "I'm making sure he doesn't bring a baby home before he's even of age!"

"Then _you _have the talk with him." James replied and conjured a Firewhiskey.

"Fine. Then you can talk to Juliet about periods." Lily said coolly.

James looked horrified, "no-no-no-no-no." he said waving his hands as though waving to someone with two hands. "I don't even understand periods fully!" he sounded

desperate to come up with an excuse.

Lily saw the Firewiskey he'd just picked up from the bench, "Oh great. Really James? _All_ you ever do is, drink Firewhiskey..."

"How about I just chop 'it' off... then I don't have to give him the talk..." he said, looked at the Firewhiskey and shrugged. "Not all the time... I like Firewhiskey. It tastes

good and takes the edge off."

Lily sighed, "Fine. But when you chop his off; don't forget your own."

_Meanwhile, Harry sat in the living room, deeply pondering over tents._

James looked at Lily, "why would I chop _mine _off?"

Lily glared, "maybe _then _you'll be more of a man."

James looked at her confused, "how does _that _make me more of a man?"

_By this stage, Harry was now pondering how a tent would work in sex._

James was still confused, "Wouldn't that make me _less _of a man? That's kind of the most male defining piece of anatomy wouldn't you say!" he said to Lily.

"James Potter! You get back there!" she made a dramatic hand gesture toward the living room where Harry was still sitting, pondering over how tents work in sex, "and

tell your son about protection or I'll make sure you receive a thorough explanation of periods. From your mother."

"I DON'T UNDERSTAND THIS!" Harry had now started raging in the living room, "protection! Periods? Periodic camping during sex!" he said loudly to himself. He

wondered if the tent was for the periodic camping that occurred during sex or was it just his mind? He didn't care; it sounded right to him.

Meanwhile, back in the kitchen, James looked at Lily; he felt slightly threatened, "You wouldn't!"

"Oh yes I would." Lily replied with a smirk and pushed James out into the living room.


	4. The Truth Revealed

James walked into the living room and looked at Harry, "uh... hello Harry." he said awkwardly.

Harry looked at him and smiled, "It's alright, dad. I have it all figured."

James raised an eyebrow at him, "do you really?"

Harry nodded, "Tents are used for protection, so there is periodic camping involved." he said seriously.

James facepalmed, Lily watched on, folded her arms and mouthed, "Your mum" to him. James sighed and sat down on the couch.

The confused Harry looked up at James and asked, "Did I say something wrong?"

James looked at him and sighed dramatically. "Harry I'm sorry I have to be the one to tell you this but protection has nothing to do with tents or periodic camping." he

said solemnly.

Harry freaked out, "WHAT? NO PERIODIC CAMPING?" he yelled.

"Nope. None at all." James said coolly.

Harry thought for a moment, "camping periodic? Camping penis protection?" he asked, as though begging for hope.

James looked at him completely confused and explained everything about condoms and protected sex.

Harry sighed, and looked at Lily; he was confused about what James had just told him, "mum... tell me how to find time to put a condom on when someone is already

doing... _stuff_!

James couldn't do anything but sit on the couch awkwardly after he'd explained everything.

Harry's mind finally clicked into what James had spoken to him about, his eyes were wide as he sat there; he felt like he'd be haunted forever. "I DON'T WANT TO

BECOME PREGNANT!" he yelled after a while of silence.

Lily who was now back in the kitchen and burnt the turtle soup was rolling on the floor laughing. James facepalmed, and told Harry very slowly and gently, "Harry, only

girls get pregnant."

Harry looked at his dad; he felt rather relieved but confused at the same time, "oh... but..."

Before Harry could finish, Lily called from the kitchen floor "how unaware can you be?" she laughed.

"BUT HOW DOES A BABY FIT THROUGH A MAN'S TUBE TO INJECT A BABY INTO A BELLY?" Harry asked; he felt rather scared as much as he felt confused.

Lily looked at him, through the doorway of the kitchen. "Ermmmm..." she said in thought.

"Mum! I'm scared!" Harry yelled.

Lily didn't say anything; this was all too awkward for her, "... I have... to... go to the Ministry. Yeah... loads of paperwork there."

Harry frowned, "can you teach me later?"

Lily looked at him, "yeah... later."

Harry smiled at her, "thank you." He said, "I am still sorry though what happened with Luna; you do forgive me, don't you?" he asked; he'd been paranoid he'd ruined

everything; he didn't feel he deserved forgiveness.

Lily looked at him, "just... don't let it happen again."

"I won't mum." Harry said and hugged her tightly.

Lily hugged him back, she felt relieved that awkwardness was now over.

"Really, that scared me. I don't ever want to be pregnant again!" he said.

Lily frowned, "Harry... boys can't get pregnant."

"The boy must be for the baby to get there..." he said.

"Yeah but he... passes on the small baby and it grows in the girl." She said; the awkwardness was slowly creeping back. "I have to go now, Harry." She said, in hope

she didn't have to talk about it anymore.

Harry looked at her confused, "Okay mum... I love you." And with that, Lily headed off to 'the Ministry.' Apparently, as Harry thought; where James had gone. He sighed

and continued to ponder how a baby goes from the guy to the girl; he then remembered something his father said. "I have to ask him when he comes home..." he said

to himself.


End file.
